A modest proposal

In 1918 the German Army revolutionised warfare with the introduction of storm troopers – small units of highly trained elite troops who could carry out carefully coordinated attacks on enemy positions to clear the way of a general advance.

Here at Commonwealth Contrarian our far-seeing boffins have come up with a new type of combatant for the 21st Century – the reactionary invective trooper (RIT).

Instead of using small arms or artillery, RITs employ the psychological weapon of politically incorrect verbal abuse. Armed with powerful megaphonic equipment and the latest in protective clothing, the RIT can engage non-western combatants from a range of several hundred metres with lethal phrases such as “rag head,” “dune coon”, and “camel humper”. Prior to going out into the field our invective troopers will be intensively trained as trolls on anti-racist internet blog sites, and baited by lesbian Marxist drill instructors to get them ready to go into battle in peak mental condition.

One of the great advantages of using RITs, instead of more costly options like drones and cluster bombs, is the minimum amount of collateral damage incurred. Exhaustive studies at Belarus State University (the only academic institution politically incorrect enough to carry out these tests) have shown that children under 16 and adults over 65 are largely immune to abusive ethnic slurs delivered at moderate decibels .

Unfortunately as with any new innovation, our RIT programme has its Luddite detractors. Critics at UCLA and Minnesota State University have called it “grossly inhumane” and “a grave threat to global peace”. As one sociology professor at UCLA lamented:

“Before the era of hate speech laws, ethnic slurs caused untold psychological damage in the western world. Now these people want to unleash such hateful material on developing nations – they’re insane”.

Certainly there is potential for this technology to be misused. But don’t dismiss ethnically abusive language because of its negative past. In the 1920s the Thompson sub-machine gun was a popular choice of gangsters and hit men, but it went on to play a vital role in defeating the Axis during World War Two.

Going forward, we believe the path to global democracy and prosperity will be assured if RITs are responsibly employed in troublesome combat zones.

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Explore posts in the same categories: Political correctness, Politically incorrect humour

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